its official!

its official i'm starting my bean diet next week monday for sure! IM SO HAPPY

i know i know i dont know what i think is gonna happen but i know what i hope to accomplish..loose some!

i mean i just want everything to be tight-er. well i dance so yea my muscles are tight but im not satisfied at all.... will i ever be?

i dunno

i'll let you guys know how the bean thing went.. so my next post will be monday

its my mom and dad's anniversary...24yrs!! im so happy about that we are gona have a surprise party and all.. should be fun... all i have to do is stay away from the food.. but ill have some red wine! cant stay away from that.

as of lately more than ever.. i use to feel really bad when i ate food or felt really bad wen im full.. god i hate that!.. but as of late everytime i eaat anything from a salad to a sandwhich i feel like crying and some times i do.. arrrggHH

SEW MY MOUTH SHUT!!

havent start my diet yet!!! im so mad!

i feeling like im dying...

i haven't been to the supermarket as yet to buy my beans

arghhh

this makes me so anxious, scarred and a bit pissed!!

i need to start my diet, i need to start my diet,i need to start my diet, i need to start my diet,i need to start my diet, i need to start my diet, i need to start my diet, i need to start my diet,i need to start my diet, i need to start my diet, i need to start my diet!!!

i can stress it enough

and its raining like a motha fucker! so yea trafiic supermarkets packed..

tjis feels like a life and death situation..

as a result i barely wanna eat anything

this is too depressing im out

peace!

beans!!

hey yall.. wow thanks for comments.. gracias!!

*smooches**

well yea starting today or maybe tomorrow cuz i have to go to the supermarket.. im on a BEAN DIET!!'

i seriously wanna loose some lbs.. its an obsession.. im always loose.. but now i have to be careful dont wanna be thrown back in to i.p.

but ill et u know how the bean diets coming along!

PERFECTING MY EMPTINESS

well aside from having an exciting fun life as described in my other blog.. thisis a side of my life that just completly shatters me at times and no on know..im a good actress..

i wont bore anyone who decides to read this with my life history or anything lol. so yes i have been in the hospital and have been diagnos with both bulimia and anorexia in my life time. thats that.

well now im relapsing but i dont want to freak my mom out so i try, i try really hard not to crumble underthe pressure,.
do u know how hard it is to hear those little evil voices so to speak.. in ur head.. everytime you want to eat or even go around food. like i give u a scenario.. i was going to the supermarket to with mum.. and yea i hadnt eaten all day and i decided to do somtn about it b4 mom gets on my case and make me eat more than i can stand.... whle on my way to get a sandwhich all i hear is.. ' you don't need the sandwich, it will make you fatter than you already are! why are you going to eat all that junk,,, you dont need it just drink some water'.. i now am i going crazy!! rite.. so i continue to walk..i dont know what but it became more abusive... maybe im just wack!..." you fat fuck thats why ull never get skinny never! and you will feel worst later" and it was true i felt horrible later as i ate the sandwhich i cried... then i went and i purged it all...life sucks!

well yea so i try to not eat to the point where my stomach is near full or even close.. just enough so i dont feel severly hungry... i still feel guilty tho...

but im in control of what i eat and it makes me feel good and the feeling of hunger sometimes do as well...

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well im a fat cow rite now and i wont be even saying my weight after geting over tghe whole inpatient issue of course they made me gain weight.. i just felt like giving up seriously. i hated them the people there allthose idiots.. i work so hard fopr this and the put all the lbs back on me.. damn!!!

ok so ill post it im..115lbs **cringes** i know.. whale of the cntry.. it sucks but by the end of the yr.. i could be faster but i want it to be gradual so my mom doesnt flip.. so by the end of th is yr i wanna loose 10-15 lbs and then we'll se what happens after that!