well aside from having an exciting fun life as described in my other blog.. thisis a side of my life that just completly shatters me at times and no on know..im a good actress..
i wont bore anyone who decides to read this with my life history or anything lol. so yes i have been in the hospital and have been diagnos with both bulimia and anorexia in my life time. thats that.
well now im relapsing but i dont want to freak my mom out so i try, i try really hard not to crumble underthe pressure,.
do u know how hard it is to hear those little evil voices so to speak.. in ur head.. everytime you want to eat or even go around food. like i give u a scenario.. i was going to the supermarket to with mum.. and yea i hadnt eaten all day and i decided to do somtn about it b4 mom gets on my case and make me eat more than i can stand.... whle on my way to get a sandwhich all i hear is.. ' you don't need the sandwich, it will make you fatter than you already are! why are you going to eat all that junk,,, you dont need it just drink some water'.. i now am i going crazy!! rite.. so i continue to walk..i dont know what but it became more abusive... maybe im just wack!..." you fat fuck thats why ull never get skinny never! and you will feel worst later" and it was true i felt horrible later as i ate the sandwhich i cried... then i went and i purged it all...life sucks!
well yea so i try to not eat to the point where my stomach is near full or even close.. just enough so i dont feel severly hungry... i still feel guilty tho...
but im in control of what i eat and it makes me feel good and the feeling of hunger sometimes do as well...
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well im a fat cow rite now and i wont be even saying my weight after geting over tghe whole inpatient issue of course they made me gain weight.. i just felt like giving up seriously. i hated them the people there allthose idiots.. i work so hard fopr this and the put all the lbs back on me.. damn!!!
ok so ill post it im..115lbs **cringes** i know.. whale of the cntry.. it sucks but by the end of the yr.. i could be faster but i want it to be gradual so my mom doesnt flip.. so by the end of th is yr i wanna loose 10-15 lbs and then we'll se what happens after that!
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8 comments:
My heart aches for your pain that you are going through, be good to yourself and remember to breathe, when those voices come hold on tight and be strong, sounds like you have done this before and I know you can again. This to shall pass.....RIGHT?
xo Lauren
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I feel for you. If you are hearing those sadistic little voices then, maybe you need to go and get some help. Speak to a doctor maybe?
AH, those little evil voices, I've heard them for 20 years...they are terrible. As for weighing 115lbs, that is thin, and very very light. I know you don't feel that way, but it's a very light, no matter how tall you are.
Take care,
Frida
Oh my god. You're 115?
I'm 130, omg so fat. I just got out of the stupid recovery bullshit.
:( Talk to me if you need to.
Oh.
I didn't mean 115 as in you were fat, I meant it as in you were skinny. lol. lucky biatch!
um...wow. this is interesting, I came by way of andrew the a$$holes page.
have a great weekend.
bye
I'm going to pray for you, because 115 isn't anything near being a whale. I'm about 130 and that's considered little to just about every one that I know. I was so damn skinny as a child people would always try to feed me. All my life I've been the opposite of you, trying to gain some weight and you are damn near killing yourself to be a waft. Please don't think I'm being cruel, it just breaks my heart to see people with eating disorders go through it. I hope you get better with this, I know it's going to be a life long struggle.
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